HomeThe Strange Closets caption contest
04. Mar, 2010 
13 Comments
When The New Yorker Magazine re-started their caption contest a few years ago, I played a few times and even made a friend laugh once. But I still lost. (Have you ever?) No worries, I’m over it now, and I’m even working up the nerve to play again, honing my skills and practicing. But I need help and inspiration, and who better than you? Write the funniest caption for this photo (as judged by me), and I will send you two crisp two dollar bills. I mean it. I have one caveat: there has to be at least seventeen or eighteen real, actual, entries. To tell you the truth, 75 would be really thrilling but at least 20. If you’re my friend, commenting is a great way to show the love (or the like). Commenters rule; that’s completely on-the-level. There is nothing better than hearing from you guys. As corny as it sounds, I absolutely love practically everything about blogging. I realize this type of content isn’t exactly critical information (or especially critical thinking), so I feel especially grateful that anybody goes out of their way to read something I wrote. Being able to hear from you as individuals is in all seriousness, the bee’s knees.
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On an unrelated note but regarding this photo, it occurred to me that if these stone figures were actually alive, they probably wouldn’t be paying attention to us or even the slowly changing skyline. It’s not that they aren’t interested, but as sentient beings made from stone, their perception of time must be quite different than ours. Think geological. If so, just as a camera set for extremely long exposures won’t pick up moving objects, the statues might not even see us. In fact, if the time between ice ages feels like a week to them, maybe they wouldn’t ‘see’ entire decades or centuries of human settlement and the good blessings we’ve smeared on the land. Could the figures represent us in more ways than just their form? Quantum physicists are trying to strengthen string theory or the ‘theory of everything‘ that unites the laws of physics at the subatomic level with Newtonian physics (i.e. the physics that we live by). The theory essentially postulates that the everything in the universe, all the subatomic particles, are made up of tiny vibrating strings of energy. Since humans are part of the everything, that means if proven, we’re all conscious beings comprised of tiny strings of energy. Mind blowing isn’t it? Even stranger, the math behind the magic suggests there are dimensions all around us but imperceptible to our brains. The dimensions might be rolled up and tiny.* No doubt they’d be way more difficult to find than a needle in a haystack. So maybe there are civilizations happening in front of us, next to us, on top of us, but the entirety of their history lasts for fractions of a second. Maybe they’re talking about us right now (relatively speaking). They might say of us: “Three dimensional beings all around us? Sounds a little far-fetched.”
* Although I doubt it. Everybody knows sand is the smallest particle.
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So play!
My Caption: “Ah Ned, our 500th Aniversary! Can you believe it’s been that long?” Little did Althea know, Ned has been planning her demise since the incident with the pigeon…
“You first.”
I’d feel pretty silly mailing myself two dollar bills, but here goes:
You look great for your age. It must be nice to have such a chiseled ass.
If he put’s that pole any closer to my ear I might just stick it where the sun dosen’t shine.
You guys have made me chuckle so far. We just need 20 more.
SPF 30. How ’bout you?
Stop being so rigid.
I like to do blow off of hookers’ asses.
That was submitted by someone other than me, through me. He really needs $4.
“and you will sit there until you can apologize and play nice!”
I can’t come up with anything funny to say, so I’m commenting just so you feel loved, Tate.
Sure, they’re taller than us, but they’re awfuly fat too.
Do you feel a draft “back there” too?